I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize