I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
