so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
