I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize