we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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