It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
