He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
