There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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