I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
