Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
