She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize