I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
