why do cheetos always look like penises
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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