I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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