In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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