carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
