have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
