3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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