So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Never joke about your clitoris.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
