I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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