Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
