If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He shit in the fireplace
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
