tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
