it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
