if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
