Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
where am i from again
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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