do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
