The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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