Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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