did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
