ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
