And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
