don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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