Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
