Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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