I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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