I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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