I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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