Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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