I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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