Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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