Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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