sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize