Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
