And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
