I haven't been this sober since birth.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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