I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
