I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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