You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize