guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
