Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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