then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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