Will you blow on my dice?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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