Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
