i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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