i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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