a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
