went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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