It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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