I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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