Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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