I accidentally had phone sex last night
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
