I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
