but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize