I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
