Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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